Photo Call: Interpreting Annie Leibovitz

We just lugged home Vanity Fair's annual Hollywood issue and the thing was so large it nearly gave us a hernia. For this year's pre-Oscar celeb blowjob, the theme is noir. Ooh, color us black and white. In the introductory essay, famous Lesbo photog Annie Leibovitz was coy about the process of creating the spread with fashion and style director Michael Roberts. We thought we should interpret the subtext of her comments for readers. To wit:

"You can light a scene and be prepared, and then the subjects come in and things have to be altered for them. This happened time and time again. I hadn't realized in the beginning, although I should have, what an enormous effect the actors have on the situation."

Translation: I hate actors!

"On the very first shoot we did, with Anjelica Huston and Diane Lane in the powder room of the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion, it was obvious it wasn't about each person's being a star. It was about their profession, the craft of acting. It was about a community of actors."

Translation: Those bitches hated each other. We had to set out saucers of milk to avoid a catfight.

"The only problem I had with Michael is that he wanted to put a hat on everyone. It was a battle. I would shoot the pictures with the hats, and then I'd take them off and shoot them again. In the powder-room scene they all had hats originally."

Translation: That hat-loving fag ruined my set-ups time and time again.


"These people are the best at what they do, and they brought out the best in one another. It was beautiful to see the relationships between them, how they needed each other."

Translation: Ben Afleck diddled someone in the make-up trailer.

"I didn't want to shoot in black and white, although we did de-saturate the color. I wanted a modern feel, with references to the earlier period through body language and story line. Michael and I argued about this. For instance, in the picture of the body in the street in the rain, Michael wanted a car from the 40s and I wanted the car that we used (a 1964 Chrysler Imperial)."

Translation: Waaah. I want what I want. Why are you even here? I'm Annie Leibovitz, goddamit.

Basically, it seems like ol' Annie collected another paycheck under duress from her VF overlords, while Michael Roberts crimped her style the whole way. Gawd. What a travesty.


The Big Shoot [Vanity Fair]