THE OPERATOR

Ask the Operator: Whycome Your Blog Sucks Lately?

2007-03-04T19:26:00.000-08:00

**from time to time, we here at the offices of THE OPERATOR receive some letters asking us our advice. Always one to lend a helping hand, THE OPERATOR will answer these questions in an effort to make the world a better place.**

Dear The Operator:

Hi. Longtime reader, first time caller. So, I love The Operator, but all pleasantries aside, what gives lately? You barely post anything new, and when you do, it's just crap you regurgitated from some other site. And don't even get me started on all the YouTube clips. I feel like I went to bed with my wife, and when I woke up she was still there, but it wasn't really my wife--it was a pod person. Ya know what I'm saying? I'm just reaching out cause I miss the old Operator. Don't let your readers down.

Signed,

Tuff Luv.

Well, TL, thanks for your letter and your astute observations. Rest assured, we're not pod people. Not yet, anyway. Yes, it's true that we've been lax in putting up new content (though we did reach our 1,000th post). I guess now's as good a time as any to break it to you, Tuff Luv, and to all our readers: The Operator is going a a semipermanent hiatus. We're not going to delete any of the past entries, but this will probably be the last new one you'll read for awhile. In fact, we're shuttering the east coast branch of The Operator's, uh, operation. Fear not, you can always read Culturebot, where OperatorNYC occasionally contributes content. He may even infrequently dip back into the Operator pool if there's something germane to this blog's mission.

As for OperatorLA, due to a perfect storm of pills, booze and boys, he's been lost in a bloggy Bermuda Triangle of late. Fear not, phoenix-like he will rise to resuscitate this blog and take it to new heights, but we can't give you a time frame as to when that'll happen.

So, thanks for reading, commenting, or otherwise completely ignoring us. It's been a long almost-year since we opened the office of The Operator, and we need a break. If we were more eloquent, we'd sum this whole thing up with a passage so stirring, so poignant, so gut-wrenchingly visceral it would blow your mind. In lieu of that, we've posted a Boyz II Men video. It says everything we'd try to, but with better harmonies. (Sorry Tuff Luv, it's a YouTube clip.)

Curtain Call: Joan Didion

2007-03-04T18:56:00.000-08:00

We know, we know, another post about Joan "J.Diddy" Didion. Sue us. We love the petite lady of letters, and besides, she's just published an essay in the Times describing her experience transforming her elegant tome of grief--The Year of Magical Thinking--into a Broadway play.

Not only does Didion wax incisive on her debut as a playwright, she offers a charming remembrance to her girlhood, when she had the desire to be an actress. It's a bit of biography she'd acknowledged in her essays, but here we get a deeper glimpse into Didion the stagestruck girl whose acting career begins and ends with one audition.

I had spent uncounted hours pretending to do homework while I listened to the plays the Theatre Guild did on the radio. I had torn “Death of a Salesman” out of Theatre Arts and memorized Mildred Dunnock’s graveside words to Willy. I could reliably reduce myself to blubber by doing Julie Harris's “we of me” lines from “The Member of the Wedding.” For less current repertory, I could go to the library and check out, say, Eugene O’Neill’s “Strange Interlude,” just one example that may suggest the determination with which I was improvising my own education. “Strange Interlude” in hand, I could retreat to a shed behind the house and do it, an all-day project, by and for myself.
It was now time, as I saw it, to move on. Skip high school, go straight to professional training.
In fact I wanted to go to New York, the American National Theater Academy, but since I could not visualize the scene in which my mother and father agree to send me alone to New York, I cannily substituted the less inflammatory Pasadena.
So heavily freighted was the day’s secret mission that I managed to convince myself that the recruiter would ask me to read Blanche DuBois in “A Streetcar Named Desire.” Sotto voce, I summoned up a few lines, the showier ones. I have always depended on the kindness of strangers. I don’t tell truths. I tell what ought to be truth.
The recruiter did not ask me to read Blanche DuBois.
The recruiter asked me how tall I was.
I said I was 5 foot 2, cheating by the same quarter-inch that I would eventually cheat on my driver’s license.
“Absolutely too short for the stage,” the recruiter said. “Although possibly you could aim for the cinema.”
Lacking even the presence of mind to mention the five-foot-nothing Helen Hayes, at the time widely described as “First Lady of the American Stage,” I could still see that something in this did not quite add up. I thanked the recruiter. I left the Pasadena Playhouse brochures she gave me (as if I did not have them, as if they were not hidden in a drawer with the playbill for “O Mistress Mine”!) in the lobby of the Senator. Once on the street I tried the plummy accent the recruiter had lent to “the cinema,” then stopped. I walked over to K Street in my good suit and went home, my life in the theater over.

Read the rest of the essay here.

The Year of Hoping for Stage Magic [NYT]
The Year of Magical Thinking [show site]

Person to Person: The Operator

2007-03-04T18:54:00.000-08:00

1,000th post, bitches. Just sayin'.

Call Sheet: Absolutely Pastoral

2007-03-04T18:32:00.000-08:00

Fans of Jennifer Saunders have cause for celebration; the comic legend that brought us "Absolutely Fabulous" is back with a new series, "Clatterford," premiering on BBC America this week.

The ensemble comedy, featuring Saunders's longtime collaborator Dawn French and stalwart Joanna Lumley, is set in rural southwest England. According to an interview in the Times:

While at first glance “Clatterford” appears to be a showcase for well-known British comic actresses in full character tilt, the overall portrait is one of pastoral inclusiveness. “The countryside is always made out to seem like it’s a little bit evil,” Ms. Saunders said. “Then I looked around and thought, ‘No, it’s actually very interesting.’ ”
With its charmingly bucolic settings, funny-sad story lines and the Kinks’ “Village Green Preservation Society” as its lilting theme song, it is easy to imagine “Clatterford” being embraced in the United States as a “Gilmore Girls” without the Gilmores and just the eccentric residents of that show’s sleepy hamlet, Stars Hollow. In November, when “Clatterford” was shown on BBC 1 under the title “Jam & Jerusalem” — a reference to the common perception that Women’s Institute branches are little more than excuses to share preserves recipes and warble hymns — it attracted roughly 6.7 million viewers, a hit by British standards. The BBC quickly commissioned a second season, even though reviews were generally negative.
“I think it was split half and half,” Ms. Saunders said, adding that The Independent and The Guardian “absolutely just loved it.” (She’s obviously not referring to The Guardian’s year-end wrap-up, which filed it under “Turkey.”)
Nevertheless Ms. Saunders has been around long enough to know that perceptions change. “It was like that when ‘Ab Fab’ came out: most people thought it was a disaster,” she said. “I think it takes people time.

We did a little digging around YouTube and found the series, under its original Brit appellation "Jam & Jersualem." Watch it here. It's not AbFab in the country, but it does have its charms. Particularly Dawn French's dotty character.

Jennifer Saunders Goes Absolutely Bucolic [NYT]

Call Sheet: The State Update

2007-03-04T18:21:00.000-08:00

If you're a regular reader of The Operator, you know we try to keep you up to date on all State-related news. Well, we've been derelict in our duties. In our defense: a) we're on a less-than-frequent posting schedule. b) there's a 40 oz of Miller High Life (The Champagne of beers!) on our desk that ain't gonna drink itself.

Luckily for you, over at Brooklyn Vegan their regular comedy columnist has all the news you ball dippin', porcupine racetrack bettin', monkey torturing, fans of Doug need. Read all about Michael Ian Black's new movie, David Wain's The Ten, and Mikey Showalter's trip to Aspen here.

As for us, well, next time we'll try to do better.

411: Girrelevant?

2007-03-01T19:58:00.000-08:00

Again we don our writer's cap and quaff a glass of wine to bring forth another installment of our patented blog innovation, Spam Poetry, where we compose a stirring ode solely from the subject lines of our junk emails.

On fantasy
Or death
Or week be madcap
Cynicism
In connecticut
No variation where to deliver class drugs.

I'm sorry
Irreconcilable turkey
I as mexican
Do by live
Girrelevant.

Call Sheet: The Underminer Film

2007-03-01T14:10:00.000-08:00

So, we totally love Mike Albo and his chortle-inducing book The Underminer, which is why we were geeked to find he made a short film with the character for Logo, which we've handily embedded for your viewing pleasure. The best part, it's two Albos for the price of one (it's like a cunty, New York version of The Parent Trap or something). Is it wrong that we want to be in the middle of an Albo sandwich?

ReCall: Chloe Webb

2007-02-28T20:51:00.000-08:00

Where the hell is Chloe Webb lately? Besides a spate of TV guest shots, she's been all but absent from the pop culture landscape.

We were first introduced to Ms. Webb when she played the quaalude-poppin' fag hag Mona Ramsey in "Tales of the City." Of course, she also played the tragic Nancy Spungen to Gary Oldman's Sid Vicious in the classic rock 'n' roll biopic Sid and Nancy. Hell, we even loved her tiny cameo in the you-probably-didn't-see-it 90's indie film Twenty Bucks.

After such landmark roles, we're sad Webb's just a footnote in film history, given the lackluster, hackneyed "actresses" working today. We thought the gal really had somethin'. At the very least, she knew how to play "high," a skill we greatly admire.

Oh well, we'll alway have our "Tales" DVD.

HOTline: Johathan Tucker

2007-02-28T20:33:00.000-08:00

Speaking of TV, we totally have a hot nut for actor Jonathan Tucker from the new show The Black Donnellys. We may never watch the show, but it doesn't mean we don't like casting our TV eye on its young star. According to TV.com, the former ballet dancer is a vegetarian history buff who enjoys Rene Russo movies. But we'll let that pass. If you're wondering where you might recognize Tucker from, he was the one who got it on with Josh Lucas in the film The Deep End.

For more pics of Tucker, click here.

Wiretap: Muffin Top

2007-02-28T20:12:00.000-08:00

We've probably mentioned we don't watch a lot of TV, it cuts into our drinking time, but we've been catching up on NBC's 30 Rock and well, we like it. It's not a great show by any means, but occasionally Fey and co. hit on something so sublime or sublimely stupid it makes us tinkle in our pants a little. Case in point: the song "Muffin Top." Jane Krakowski's dumb blond actress cliche has released it as a single, which is the "number 1 hit in Israel and number 5 in Berlin!" It's an almost dead-on Britney impersonation (pre-head shave/rehab/career freefall) and we likey.

For the uninitiated, a muffin top, as defined by Urban Dictionary, is "when a woman wears a pair of tight jeans that makes her flab spill out over the waistband, just like the top of a muffin sits over the edge of the paper case."

It's so good it makes us wonder if Andy Samberg wrote it.

And because we're wired wrong, this song kinda sorta reminds us of Mike Albo's brilliant spoof single "Pink Pudding" just a tiny bit.

Below we've reprinted the lyrics, should you want to add "Muffin Top" to your repertoire.

Everyone knows
that the most delicious part of the muffin
is the top...
My muffin top is all that
Whole grain, low fat
I know you wanna piece of that
But I just wanna dance
You're checkin' out my sweet hips
My sugar coated berry lips
I know you wanna get with this
But I'm just here to dance
So back up off of me
You're weirding me out
I'm an independent lady (oh!)
So do not try to play me (oh!)
I run a tidy bakery (oh!)
All the boys (oh!) want (oh!) my (oh!) cake (oh!) for free (oh!)

Book Chat: Shameless Shilling

2007-02-23T22:26:00.000-08:00

Well, here we go, shilling for a book called I Am Not Myself These Days. Why? Um, cause Josh Kilmer-Purcell asked us to (we're tots Myspace friends, doncha know).

Also, we truly enjoyed this book, and we want his publishers to be happy so they'll ensure his follow-up tomes reach the masses in a timely fashion. So, you know the drill--click on the image. You know you want to. It's all hypnotic and swirly.

Call Sheet: Baby, Baby, Oh Baby...We Love Superstar

2007-02-21T21:38:00.000-08:00

Omg! Omg! A hat tip and a big fat kiss to ModFab for unearthing one of our favorite underground, heretofore unseen by the masses, cult fav movies. Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story is Todd (Velvet Goldmine) Haynes' 43 minute epic retelling of the rise and fall of Karen Carpenter...with Barbie dolls. It's up on Google video (until it's snatched down) and must be seen.

Watching it again brings back memories...oh, we were young, malleable, unschooled in the ways of the world. We had just arrived on Martha's Vineyard for an internship. We were crashing on the couch of the theatre's box office manager. After plying us with some extremely potent weed, he popped a bootleg of said movie into the VCR (this was back in the old days, kids) and it blew our minds. The fact that it's extremely sympathetic to Carpenter and still evokes a visceral response from us is a testament to Haynes' skill as a filmmaker.

Also, Richard Carpenter--total fag.

Watch it here.

Supertar: The Karen Carpenter Story [wikipedia]

ReCall: The League of Gentlemen

2007-02-17T00:05:00.000-08:00

As confirmed anglophiles, we're fans of the grand guignol sketch comedy of The League of Gentlemen(not to be confused with the shit-awful graphic novel-turned-film The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen). We just finished re-watching the first season of their show, and again we're struck by the complexity of the characters. The Gents are more interested in character development, narrative and mood than the cheap one-liner or repetitive gag, making their fictional town of Royston Vasey a fully-realized vision, akin to a waking nightmare.

Best to start off with a little bit of Tubbs and Edward, the proprietors of the town's shop. "Are you local?"

Photo Call: Interpreting Annie Leibovitz

2007-02-16T21:09:00.000-08:00

We just lugged home Vanity Fair's annual Hollywood issue and the thing was so large it nearly gave us a hernia. For this year's pre-Oscar celeb blowjob, the theme is noir. Ooh, color us black and white. In the introductory essay, famous Lesbo photog Annie Leibovitz was coy about the process of creating the spread with fashion and style director Michael Roberts. We thought we should interpret the subtext of her comments for readers. To wit:

"You can light a scene and be prepared, and then the subjects come in and things have to be altered for them. This happened time and time again. I hadn't realized in the beginning, although I should have, what an enormous effect the actors have on the situation."

Translation: I hate actors!

"On the very first shoot we did, with Anjelica Huston and Diane Lane in the powder room of the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion, it was obvious it wasn't about each person's being a star. It was about their profession, the craft of acting. It was about a community of actors."

Translation: Those bitches hated each other. We had to set out saucers of milk to avoid a catfight.

"The only problem I had with Michael is that he wanted to put a hat on everyone. It was a battle. I would shoot the pictures with the hats, and then I'd take them off and shoot them again. In the powder-room scene they all had hats originally."

Translation: That hat-loving fag ruined my set-ups time and time again.

"These people are the best at what they do, and they brought out the best in one another. It was beautiful to see the relationships between them, how they needed each other."

Translation: Ben Afleck diddled someone in the make-up trailer.

"I didn't want to shoot in black and white, although we did de-saturate the color. I wanted a modern feel, with references to the earlier period through body language and story line. Michael and I argued about this. For instance, in the picture of the body in the street in the rain, Michael wanted a car from the 40s and I wanted the car that we used (a 1964 Chrysler Imperial)."

Translation: Waaah. I want what I want. Why are you even here? I'm Annie Leibovitz, goddamit.

Basically, it seems like ol' Annie collected another paycheck under duress from her VF overlords, while Michael Roberts crimped her style the whole way. Gawd. What a travesty.

The Big Shoot [Vanity Fair]

Person to Person: The Operator

2007-02-07T22:23:00.000-08:00

Hello dear readers, real and imaginary. We've been extra-super busy at work this week (have no fear, we're still drunk and in our underwear-yay freelancing from home!) and haven't kept up our normal volume of warped, nonsensical posts. In lieu of our usual sparkling content, we offer Dolly Parton's "9 to 5". It resonates with how busy we are, and as an added bonus, there's subtitles and Disney characters. The WTF-ness of the whole thing should keep you scratching your head until we return to our regularly scheduled inanity.

DisConnected: There's Something About Mary...Bulljism

2007-02-06T09:51:00.000-08:00

We don't know from haircare, especially the way some of you ladies obsess over your tresses, but this news story totally skeeved us. Apparently, a posh London salon is using bull semen to give hair that much sought after shine. Via Yahoo! News:

Owner Hari Salem told media that he tried hundreds of products -- including wild avocados and truffle oil -- before hitting on bull semen as the elusive element in a formula for making hair look gorgeous.

You might wonder, as we do, how one makes the leap from seemingly normal household items, like the avocado, to something like bull semen? And who's going to let this guy test it on their hair, just to see if his hunch that it'll give your hair a healthy sheen will pay off? Luckily, there are no adverse affects.

"The semen is refrigerated before use and doesn't smell," Salem told the Metro newspaper. "It leaves your hair looking wonderfully soft and thick."

He said the treatment will remain on offer providing the bulls can keep up the supply.

Well, better keep the heifer porn in stock. If we can take one thing away from this, it's that we have a new favorite word: Bulljism. Go ahead, use it in a sentence. We think it has a lovely ring to it.

411: Harry Potter and the Happy Trail of Distraction

2007-02-04T20:34:00.000-08:00

Sure you've seen the promo shots for Daniel ("Harry Potter") Radcliffe in Equus, all shirtless and porny, having traded his magic wand for a spike. But have you seen them as a slideshow? Set to the dulcet sounds of George Michael? Aha. Anyhoo, enjoy. You'll only feel dirty for about thirty seconds. They grow up so fast, don't they?

Wands at the ready...[Londonist]

Wiretap: Antony Sings Leonard, We Swoon

2007-02-04T20:19:00.000-08:00

We were surfing the YouTube for a Leonard Cohen clip, and when we came across Antony (of Antony and the Johnsons) performing "If It Be Your Will" from the concert doc Leonard Cohen: I'm Your Man, well, done deal.

Cohen, one of our favorite songwriters, always blends the sacred and the secular into a wholly unique musical experience. Antony elevates Cohen's sentiments to the level of a gospel concert, dredging the depths for something arcane, beautiful and almost otherworldly. Or, so we think.

411: Get Crafty for Amy Sedaris

2007-02-04T20:05:00.000-08:00

Amy Sedaris, the freaky man's Martha Stewart, wants you, yes you, to participate in her Craft Challenge. Here's the deal, Amy is going to be on the Leonard Lopate Show on February 9th to talk about her new (and genius, we might add) book I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence.
Alls you gots to do is, add googly eyes to any item of food, then submit a photo of your creation. Amy will pick the winner on-air. You can find out more info here.

So get on it. Those googly eyes ain't gonna end up on the braised short ribs themselves.

The Leonard Lopate Show Amy Sedaris Craft Challenge [WNYC]

DisConnected: Xenu Is Coming, Look Busy

2007-02-01T22:27:00.000-08:00

Holy crap, we've been so busy trying not to have our lives co-opted by pseudo-religious cults we forgot to mark our calendar for Xenu Day International. According to the organizers:

Are you a Xenu sympathizer? A drunk? An irate ex-scientologist? A freezoner? An ElRon apologist? A cacophonist? A Santarchist? A trouble maker?
Then XENU DAY Is just the even YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR!
On Saturday March 10th 2007, all 5000 scientologists across the planet will be celebrating their own version of Christmas. Drunk aliens , stopping traffic, handing out propaganda, preaching the gospel of Xenu the Galactic Overload, will be there to greet them.

The event coincides with L. Ron Hubbard's Birthday.

We're not much for "activism," but if this will keep those poorly dressed minions of Hubbard from trying to give us a stress test in the subway at rush hour, sign us up.

Xenu Day International [Laughing Squid]

411: Here's Poop In Your Eye

2007-02-01T22:14:00.000-08:00

When we're hassled by the cops (which isn't often) we typically go into honor roll student mode, all yes sir, no sir, whatever you say, sir. Not the case for this young whippersnapper, who, when stopped by police at the Grand Avenue Mall in Milwaukee, assaulted the officer with his colostomy bag. According to the Journal Sentinel:

The officer was responding to a truancy complaint at the downtown mall Monday at 1:17 p.m. and stopped the youth, who refused to tell the officer his name or age, she said. The suspect then became disruptive and threw his colostomy bag containing bodily waste at the officer.

Dude, that shit ain't right.

Officer Assaulted with Colostomy Bag [JS Online via News of the Weird Daily]

Wiretap: Feeling Feisty-y

2007-02-01T22:03:00.000-08:00

We have a special place in our atrophied, coal-black hearts for Canadian songstress Leslie Feist. The girl's worked with Peaches, Broken Social Scene, and Kings of Convenience, and also put out a solo album, Let It Die, which is always a favorite on The Operator's iPod. It's jazzy, indie vibe is the perfect mood-enhancer. Here's the artist in question in her video for "One Evening."

We do have a bone to pick though, as Feist totally stole her dance moves from us. We want compensation.

Curtain Call: Springtime For Hasselhoff and Las Vegas

2007-01-31T14:54:00.000-08:00

David Hasselhoff, the ~~star~~ personality beloved of Germans and of red swim trunk aficionados, is featured in the Las Vegas production of the musical hit The Producers. Though unlike fellow television alum Tony Danza (currently in the Broadway production), the Hoff won't be playing no goodnik Max Bialystock, nay, he's wearing the light loafers of Roger DeBris.

The show has been trimmed down to a mere 90 minutes in order for anxious gamblers and drunken brides to fit the production in between bouts of binge drinking, poker and whoring. Other musicals playing Vegas, including Avenue Q and Hairspray, haven't been a draw for tourists, but never underestimate the power of 'The Hoff'.

Lean, Mean Producers Begins Las Vegas Run Jan. 31, With Oscar and Hasselhoff [Playbill]

411: VH1's 'I Love the Bloggers'?

2007-01-30T19:05:00.000-08:00

Well, guess this whole blogging phenomenon has really jumped the shark. VH1, the network for has-been celebrities, redemptive rags-to-riches-to-rags music reunion shows, and we suppose the occasional video countdown, is trying to put together a show with bloggers called HushHush (why, was Drunk in our Underpants taken?).

According to Jossip:

Last month, VH1 fired off invitations to audition to what seemed like anyone who had put their fingers on a keyboard and launched a blog mildly related to entertainment.

Try-outs were held in New York and Los Angeles over the past couple weeks, with VH1 flying in potential on-camera talent for group auditions where bloggers – many of whom had never met before – were encouraged, according to one insider, to "act like they were friends" on camera and joke around with each other like old pals. (Or, as one hopeful put it, "Act like idiots in front of a bunch of producers who [themselves] didn't know what the fuck they wanted from us.")

But while the auditions allowed the bloggers to build new social networks (we hear they're called "blogrolls"), they also gave the potential talking heads time to muse that "this type of show shouldn't be on television," says one insider.

What type of show? Essentially, a blogger roundtable that discusses the current pop culture topics — with the usual doses of forced snark and humor.

Says another put-off blogger : "It's obvious that these show producers want to capitalize on the large traffic our sites have, while getting bloggers on the cheap. I think they still see bloggers as celebrity wannabes (like Perez) but they don't understand that we're smarter than they think we are, and the lure of a 15 minute spotlight isn't quite enough anymore."

Totally. Like, fuck you, VH1. We don't need you. We're totally above crass, mainstream exposure. We want real cred, like being on a conference call with Nancy Pelosi.

That said, call us. Seriously. We guess you misplaced our number and we'd like give you a chance to make amends. We're kinda desperate for something, anything to do right now. And you have craft services, right?

Wiretap: United Kingdom of Scissor Sisters (United States of Scissorhood, Not So Much)

2007-01-30T18:26:00.000-08:00

This week, the Village Voice's Tricia Romano tackles one of the more curious questions in pop music: Why does the UK love the Scissor Sisters more than the good ol' US of A? Being Scissor Sisters fans and shameless anglophiles, it's a question we don't reserve much headspace for, but in the current dark, divisive times of the American experiment, we can see its validity. To wit:

The "Can they break America?" question won't go away. They might be too dance-y to get radio play, or maybe they're too campy. But these are just code words for "too gay." Homophobia is the last refuge of accepted blatant prejudice in a country that has laws banning gay marriages. It probably didn't help that the Scissor Sisters' initial volley, "Comfortably Numb," takes a deified classic-rock band and turns them into a flamboyant punchline.

At least Jake Shears is keeping a proper head about his shoulders regarding his raging UK success, which includes playing to kids, hooligans, and old age pensioners.

"I never want to be a celebrity," Shears says. "I want to be an artist. Celebrity-ness is like herpes, and once you have it, it never goes away."

Indeed. Wait, does that mean we're stuck with Paris Hilton forever?

Read the full article here.

411: Bedbug Blight

2007-01-29T20:44:00.000-08:00

Ugh, we like to live by the philosophy that if we ignore something, it'll go away. Unfortunately, the resurgence of bedbugs gets so much ink in the press we can't ignore it. At this point we've taken to sleeping with a flashlight, our body hermetically sealed in Hefty bags. According to BoingBoing (via the LA Times):

New York City apartment dwellers lodged 4,638 bedbug complaints in fiscal 2006, up from none three years earlier. Complaints ballooned 67% in the first half of this year from their pace a year earlier.

Bedbugs were virtually eradicated from the U.S. in the 1940s and 1950s, Miller said. The cause of their resurgence is not officially known, though theories include increased international travel in which the bugs hitch a ride on clothing or in luggage and decreased use of pesticides such as DDT.

Here's the thing, we need to bring back the DDT. We know that kills the fuckers. Listen, We're all up for a little extra toxicity if it ends this urban plague. What's a few more deadly chemicals in our already compromised bloodstream? We just want peace of mind.

Bedbug "Plague"Continues To Grow [BoingBoing]

Wiretap: Mika

2007-01-29T20:26:00.000-08:00

Speaking of glammy songsters, we suppose we should make the obligatory Mika post. Yes, the Brit popster is supposedly the greatest thing since [insert your own useless cliche here], Queen and the Scissor Sisters all wrapped into one. Well, we've watched the clip of his song "Grace Kelly" and color us unimpressed. We're on team "who gives a fuck." Listen, we love Rufus, the Sisters, Queen, etc, but something about Mika smells disingenuous. We have a pretty good bullshit detector, and on this trilling songbird we call foul. To be honest, we've seen more engaging acts at the open mic night at the Duplex.

Thus, the music bloggy debate rages. Brooklyn Vegan sides with us. Arjan Writes is tots pro Mika. And The Music Slut just wants to know if the dude is a homo or not.

We've said our piece, but we reserve the right to change our mind. For now, we're just going to put on a Cole Porter CD and call it a day.

DisConnected: Bush Hits a New Low

2007-01-29T20:17:00.000-08:00

Oh man, Bush's poll numbers are so low that, like, both Satan and festering boils have a higher approval rating in this country.
Good thing Bush doesn't actually listen to what anyone else thinks, otherwise he'd be deeply upset. It's like trying to get a date for the prom and not even the retarded girl will go with you, because even she can sense your evil loserness. Harsh.

A Sorry State [Newsweek]

Wiretap: Semi Precious Weapons

2007-01-29T19:52:00.000-08:00

Our good friend UltraDeb knows a thing or two about music, so we usually take her advice (if we didn't, she'd probably grind her boot into our scrotum), and she's a ginormous fan of the band Semi Precious Weapons. Now, so are we. This garage/glam outfit knows how to write catchy-as-hell songs and dress to the fuckin' nines, which puts them on our shortlist of bands we actually care about. When we read on their blog that they're working with the legendary producer Tony Visconti, well, it fits better than a sequined unitard.

Here's a little viddy highlighting Justin Tranter and the boys doing what they do best. Almost makes you believe the New York scene isn't as dead as they proclaim.

Semi Precious Weapons [Myspace]

Semi Precious Weapons [Site]

Wiretap: Kiki & Herb-- Running Up That Hill

2007-01-27T19:27:00.000-08:00

We don't like to let too much time go by without a Kiki & Herb post; it's practically a contractual obligation. If you've ever seen the deranged, boozy duo, you know that their cover of Kate Bush's "Running Up That Hill" is a showstopper. If you've somehow never seen them (perish the thought!) they've extended their run at Joe's Pub through the first part of February. Get tickets here.

Wiretap: Sondre Lerche

2007-01-27T12:29:00.000-08:00

We [heart] Norwegian pop phenom Sondre Lerche (pronounced "Sawn-der Lair-kay"). While we typically hate on too-young singers who've made it big--we're old and jaded--Lerche is so unassuming that dissing him would be like kicking a puppy.

He's about to release a new album, Phantom Punch, but we thought we'd go back and revisit "No One's Gonna Come" from his debut, Faces Down.

Wiretap: Pagoda (a.k.a. Michael Pitt's Band)

2007-01-24T19:28:00.000-08:00

You may or may not know that The Operator has a boner for actor Michael Pitt (maybe it's that whole dirty, rent-boy vibe he exudes).

Now, we hear his band Pagoda is about to release a full-length album in February. Pitt's well on his way to being an eccentric rock star type, as exhibited by the cookaboo, chicken-scrawled rantifesto he posted on myspace.

Time will tell if Pagoda goes the way of good actor-fronted bands or the bad, like, say, Jared Leto's 30 Seconds to Mars.

[via The Modern Age]

Photo Call: Brandon Flowers

2007-01-24T19:15:00.000-08:00

~~Wayland~~ Brandon Flowers, of the Vegas rock band the Killers, appears to be using his patented Brain-o-tron to suck some much needed intelligence from a poncy schoolboy.

Or, maybe we should go with our default caption: Nice hat, douche.

Wiretap: Portishead--Sour Times

2007-01-24T18:54:00.000-08:00

How long have we been posting clips in our Wiretap section and we're just now getting around to Portishead? Shame on us. This is the band that launched a thousand late-night hook-ups and got us through an equal number of gray Mondays back in the day, and still continues to haunt our iPod.

Thought we might as well go with the song that got us hooked, "Sour Times." This is the live version from the excellent Roseland show in New York (get the DVD here).

Note to Portishead: We're still waiting for that rumored new album. We're lifelong fans, but ya know, we'd like you to release it in our lifetime. Thanks.

Wiretap: This Blog Is On Fire with Passionate Love

2007-01-23T09:04:00.000-08:00

According to The Music Slut, the band James is getting back together. Lead singer Tim Booth, who'd left the band in '01, announced via his website that he'd be rejoining the group and they'd be touring the UK in the Spring. More info at NME.

Wiretap: Boy George Killed the YouTube Star

2007-01-22T19:26:00.000-08:00

Speaking of Boy George and YouTube, it seems he's taken a shine to the site, posting interviews with himself under the moniker georgiegirl5.

He's even written a short "Ode to YouTube."

We're not sure where on the scale of interesting/sad this falls. Guess it beats street-sweeping. Or going on Celebrity Fit Club. Though surely, if he's that hungry for face time, someone could have gotten him a guest musician slot on American Idol.

Boy George Loves New York Freaks [Papermag]

Wiretap: Culture Club & Dolly Parton -- Your Kisses Are Charity

2007-01-22T19:13:00.000-08:00

When we posted the Cher/David Bowie YouTube clip, we thought we'd unearthed the camp mother lode. Then, we found this Dolly Parton duet with Culture Club. Yoinks.

It's sort of the ultimate genderfuck, a man who dresses like a woman singing with a woman who dresses like a drag queen (No offense, Dolly. We will always love you). The sheer amount of makeup on that stage boggles the mind. Think George nicked any of Dolly's false eyelashes after the set?

411: Sarah Silverman

2007-01-21T19:14:00.000-08:00

Our favorite potty-mouthed comedian Sarah Silverman did a Q&A with the Times this weekend, where she discussed her new Comedy Central show and her childhood depression. According to Silverman: " I had very bad experiences with doctors. I got sent to a psychiatrist who put me on Xanax when I was 13. I went back for my next visit, and he had killed himself."

Ah, the joys of mental health. Read the full interview here.

Wiretap: Fountains of Wayne -- Mexican Wine

2007-01-21T19:05:00.000-08:00

We do so enjoy the song stylings of this New Jersey band, but couldn't stand to post the ubiquitous, MILF-y "Stacy's Mom" video. Instead we opted for the Duran Duran-esque yacht motif of "Mexican Wine."

Bonus: Drew Carey and creepy Aryan girls with side ponytails.

411: Spam Poetry--About the Ladies

2007-01-20T21:45:00.000-08:00

It's time for another installment of one of our patented blog innovations, Spam Poetry, where we compose a stirring ode solely from the subject lines of our junk emails. This one's all about the ladies. Enjoy.

Sheila wanted to show you her new toy
Marcia wanted to show you her new toy
Latoya wanted you to see her new toy
cant wait for luxury any more
Ejaculate like a Porn Star
Start winning
sickos Click
Can you call Edgar urgently?
Please ring Mattie urgently?
8 new messages from ladies for you.

Ask the Operator: Where Can I find a Bar in Hell's Kitchen?

2007-01-20T19:54:00.000-08:00

**from time to time, we here at the offices of THE OPERATOR receive some letters asking us our advice. Always one to lend a helping hand, THE OPERATOR will answer these questions in an effort to make the world a better place.**

Dear The Operator:

I'm going to be in New York for the first time in a years to see some shows on Broadway. I want to get a drink with my partner après-theatre, but not amongst the touristy throng. I remember the last time I went to 9th Avenue, it was all hustler bars. Are there any new bars in Hell's Kitchen to get a cocktail, as opposed to say, a venereal disease?

Sincerely,
Upscale Gay

Well, UG, when it comes to drinking advice, you've come to the right place. We looove the drink. Drink all da time. But since the only time we put on pants to leave the house is when we have to venture to the liquor store and buy a new bottle of vodka, we're going to turn this one over to our resident online nightlife columnist, e-Gadfly.

Wha huh wha, where have you been? Back in your day, you may have had to knock on the unmarked door and said the secret password, "Judy Garland's high at midnight" or something, but this is the 21st century. Hell's Kitchen is the new Chelsea. It's Hellsea. It's a non-stop buffet of chorus boys and gym clones. It's like walking into an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog. It's Fag-ercrombie (and bitch, believe moi). It's gayapalooza. New bars are sprouting up here like genital warts. There's Therapy, Bamboo, Vlada, Schmata, Regatta. There's the Ritz, Schlitz, and Ion'k', which I think is Ukrainian for "fisting" or something. Anyway, point is, there's bars. Well, lounges. Bars are so passe, don't you think? Anyone can walk into a "bar," these are lounges. Locales. Destination drinking. Oh, and don't worry about cocktails. They have cocktails: Guavatini, Chocotini, Garlictini, Avocadotini, Cocktail weenie-tini, Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini-Tini. All served by shirtless waiters who are really actors, but don't ask them about it because they'll give you their resume and sing something from Wicked. Though, try to dress young. They chased out all the old homos with the hookers. Wear an ironic t-shirt. Wear skinny jeans. Dress like the guys that used to beat you up in high school. And don't, don't talk to anyone. Just look. Just sit still and look. Don't engage.

But which night are you going? You have to plan it out. You can't just show up. They all program nights. Bingo Night, Drag night, Disco Night, American Idol Night, Hazing Night, even Hustler Night. Try Straight Night. There's Day Night, where they turn the lights on really bright and pretend it's like, daytime. So, pick right night. You can even probably DJ. Bring you iPod. There's iPod night. Stop by the wi-fi enabled, laptop lapdance cruising station. It's delish. You can have a virtual sex chat with someone two scant feet away. It's divine.

FYI, Hell's Kitchen, sorry Hellsea, is so over. I'd never be caught dead there. You want to new Hell's kitchen. You should try Washington Heights. Or Morningside Heights. Or White Plains. Yonkers is the new Hell's Kitchen is the new Chelsea is the new West Village. But you didn't hear it from me.

Better yet, invite everyone back to your hotel and raid the minibar. Or try the Port Authority.

We'll, ta darling. I have to go get a mani-pedi and backwax at this exclusive, high-end salon and fruit stand in the Bronx.

Hope this helps. Do let me know how it turns out. Though I don't really care.

Good Call: The Onion

2007-01-19T12:52:00.000-08:00

This has to be one of our favorite Onion pieces in awhile. No context necessary, just click and laugh: Nation's Gays Demand Right To Library Cards.

Wiretap: So, Does That Make Del Marquis Joe McInytre?

2007-01-18T20:50:00.000-08:00

Uh oh. Trouble in homo band land. The Gossip, which opened for the Scissor Sisters on tour, didn't find the experience as rewarding as they might have hoped. According to an interview lead Gossip Beth Ditto gave to Mixmag (via The Music Slut):

"I love them (Scissor Sisters) and I think we've got a lot of common ground. But supporting their tour was a really soul-sucking experience. It wasn't gigs, it was 'concerts', you know like when you're nine and New Kids On The Block come to town and you camp outside the mall all day to get your ticket. The audience were moms wanting chart hits. They've never seen a John Waters movie or heard the Ramones."

While we can see how Ditto might have been dispirited, what exactly did she expect? The Scissor Sisters worked hard to cultivate a huge following. And they were playing festivals and arenas in the UK since their first album broke. If the Gossip wanted a beer-swilling, indie fag audience, they should've toured with Grizzly Bear. That the Scissor Sisters unapologetic, feel-good faggotry has gained credence with everyone from leather queens to soccer moms should be a blessing, not a curse. But meh, whadda we know. In the words of the Sisters themselves, "Better luck next time."

Wiretap: Patrick Wolf--Blue Bells

2007-01-18T14:18:00.000-08:00

We're smitten with singer Patick Wolf, who's new album The Magic Position will be released in the UK in February. Here's the song "Blue Bells" from said album.

We don't know which magic position Wolf is referring to, but there's a few we'd like to try out with him. "Blue Bells" is giving us blue balls.

Last Call: Art Buchwald

2007-01-18T13:52:00.000-08:00

Author Art Buchwald, the "Wit of Washington," died of kidney failure the other night.
Via the Washington Post:

Art Buchwald, 81, the newspaper humor columnist for more than a half-century who found new comic material in the issues that come up at the end of life, died of kidney failure last night at his son's home in Washington, his family announced today.

Buchwald, an owlish, cigar-chomping extrovert, zinged the high, mighty and humor-challenged. His column, syndicated to more than 550 newspapers at one point, won the Pulitzer Prize for commentary in 1982. He also published more than 30 books.

You can find links to a list of remembrances here.

Buchwald's final column, which he insisted be published after his death, is available here.

Rest in peace.

ReCall: Bubbles DeVere on Vacay

2007-01-18T13:14:00.000-08:00

With a dreary day like this, we often fantasize about a nice, scenic villa in a warm, tropical clime. Which is one of the scant few ways in which we are like the vulgar, zaftig social climber Bubbles DeVere. In Little Britain Abroad, DeVere goes on a house-crashing holiday and shows how one gets to stay in the lap of luxury: seduce the host. We're putting that at the top of our list of travel tips.

Photo Call: A Town Determined to be Number One

2007-01-17T21:24:00.000-08:00

Boy do we love a good poop joke, especially a visual one. Boy, are we drunk right now.

Regardless, we spend a portion of our summers in upstate New York, and this may have just edged out our favorite small town, Coxsackie, for best snicker-if-you're-high name ever.

[via BoingBoing]

Wiretap: Cold War Kids Hang It Up to Dry with Letterman

2007-01-17T20:58:00.000-08:00

One of the victims of the fickle music blog hype parade, the Cold War Kids are currently cresting high on a wave of backlash to the backlash from their initial nut-busting praise. Or something. You can read this article in the Village Voice and figure it out.

Suffice it to say, we're never ahead of the curve so we're still in our moony, first-thrush-of-love phase with the band. Yeah, we get that they've ripped some of their shtick from Tom Waits, but we're okay with that. Better than being the second coming of Survivor or something.

411: The Im-monk-culate Conception

2007-01-17T20:41:00.000-08:00

I've never heard of Chimp Haven, but it sounds like a swingin' place. It seems that one of the female chimpanzees just gave birth, despite the fact all the males have been given vasectomies.

According to the AP:

[M]anagers at Chimp Haven are planning a paternity test for the seven males who lived in a group with Teresa, a wild-born chimpanzee in her late 40s who had the baby girl last week.

Workers have started collecting hair samples from the chimps for testing. Once they identify the father, it's back to the operating room for him.

Chimp Haven managers said they knew something was up when Teresa was missing during morning rounds on January 8. Later in the day, she appeared with a newborn chimpanzee in her arms.

Teresa had 10 other offspring before retiring to Chimp Haven over a year ago. This is her first baby in 13 years.

It's also the first chimpanzee born at the sanctuary although officials there hope there will be no more accidents.

Seems like Chimp Haven is turning into a Plato's Retreat for primates. Here's hoping they find the mystery monkey daddy soon.

Surprise Chimp Born in La. Sanctuary [Mercury News via Maddow Online]

Call Sheet: Yaki & Kita: Midnight Pilgrims

2007-01-17T20:23:00.000-08:00

Yaki & Kita: Midnight Pilgrims is the best psychedelic-Japanese-gay-Samurai-road flick we've ever seen. Granted, it's the only psychedelic-Japanese-gay-Samurai-road flick we've seen, but still. Blending Western mythology, magic mushrooms, and camp, midnight movie hijinks, the film is a long, strange trip that nudges cinematic conventions to confront the nature of reality. According to TLA:

In the ancient Edo period, Yaji and Kita are two flamboyant, down-and-out samurai who embark on a journey on their souped-up chopper to battle Kita's heroin addiction and contemplate the meaning of their truly bizarre existence. On their way to a healing shrine at Ise, they trip through a world where fantasy is reality, and the past and present intersect....
Marked with a unique brand of cinematic mayhem, this hallucinogenic gay love story is sure to delight and bewilder all who dare journey with them.

We highly recommend this film, and we recommend you see it high. It's subtitled, though, so don't get so baked you can't read.

You can buy the DVD here.

Photo Call: Olsen Twins Look Old, Tired, and Demented

2007-01-15T16:46:00.000-08:00

The Olsen ~~ghouls~~ twins are looking haggard lately. I nominate them both to star in a remake of "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?"

"You wouldn't be able to keep me from going to Starbucks if I weren't still in this chair."

"Butcha Aaah, Ashley! Ya Ahh in that chair."

Last Call: Darlene Conley

2007-01-15T16:13:00.000-08:00

Actress Darlene Conley, best known as Sally Spectra on soap opera The Bold and the Beautiful, passed away from Cancer Sunday evening.

The flame-tressed Conley was one of the ultimate soap divas, able zing a put-down in one scene then evoke pathos in the next.

We spent more of our youth than we care to remember watching soaps and appreciated the outsize character that Conley created. Rest in peace.

[via Dlisted]

Wiretap: Tori Amos -- Caught a Light Sneeze

2007-01-15T15:57:00.000-08:00

To please you aurally today, we offer Tori Amos, singing "Caught a Light Sneeze" on the now-defunct series Sessions at West 54th.

Walking the streets of New York lately, it seems everyone has caught more than a light sneeze, with every third person hacking and coughing like a tubercular heroine in a Merchant-Ivory film. But we digress.

Photo Call: Cruelty to Animals

2007-01-14T19:42:00.000-08:00

We hope that dolphin doesn't catch something from globe-trotting STD incubator Tara Reid. Someone get PETA on standby, just in case.

HOTline: Rodrigo Calazans

2007-01-14T19:23:00.000-08:00

One way to forget about a blah January day is with a bit of visual confection, and for today that treat is model and former soccer player Rodrigo Calazans. Ye gods is he hot. We seriously have to figure out a way to spend our winters in South America. With lads like Rodrigo around, it'd certainly do our seasonal affective disordered hearts (not to mention our libidos) good.

You can see more tantalizing images at Made In Brazil.

Wiretap: Xena Sings

2007-01-14T19:10:00.000-08:00

Actress Lucy Lawless, who as "Xena: Warrior Princess" launched a thousand lesbian fantasies, is now trying to carve out a career as a singer.
According to Newsvine:

The 38-year-old... will make her rock concert debut at a sold-out show Saturday night at the Roxy Theatre in Hollywood.

Lawless recently appeared on Fox's "Celebrity Duets" and performed with music icons Smokey Robinson and Dionne Warwick. The appearances left her inspired to start her own singing career.

"I've become a junkie for live performance," she said in a statement. "I can't get enough and I can't give enough."

Lawless plans to sing some of her own songs as well as those of Etta James, Nina Simone and Melissa Etheridge.

Might want to add some Indigo Girls and K.D. Lang to the mix as well. You know, for the fans.

'Xena' Actress to Take Stab at Singing [Newsvine]

Wiretap: Jake Gyllenhaal Channels His Inner Theatre Queen

2007-01-14T18:58:00.000-08:00

Perpetual fantasy object Jake Gyllenhaal divas it out on Saturday Night Live on behalf of his Brokeback fan base. Who knew Jakey could sing? He's a zillion times better than some of the tired queens we've seen belt out "And I Am Telling You" since Dreamgirls hit the big screen.

Though really, Jake, we already loved you. Now, maybe just this much more.

DisConnected: And If The Plane Goes Down Over the Ocean, You Can Use Amanda Lepore's Breasts as a Flotation Device

2007-01-12T12:11:00.000-08:00

Man, we thought we were paranoid, but it seems shutterbug David LaChapelle has us beat. According to Popbitch:

"David is convinced Avian flu is going to wipe out most of earth's population, but that the only safe place will be Hawaii. LaChapelle has bought a former nudist colony on Maui and is hoping to turn it into a bunker for all his friends, like Pamela Anderson. LaChapelle also likes to break wind loudly. So their future together should be interesting."

Spring break at LaChapelle's island! Whoo! Sounds like a cross between Cabo and Lord of the Flies.

HOTline: The Beautiful Calendar

2007-01-11T22:27:00.000-08:00

Those flesh-peddling bloggers over at Beautiful have put together an eye-popping calendar for 2007 which you can download here.

Guaranteed to keep you up...to date, that is.

DisConnected: The Mallard Fillmore Ellipsis Count

2007-01-11T21:52:00.000-08:00

It's no secret we loathe right wing cartoon quack Mallard Fillmore and his egregious use of the ellipsis. So, without further ado, it's time to go to the tote board for our patented Mallard Fillmore Ellipsis Count™:

For January 11th the total count is--drum roll, please--six. six ellipses.

We promise we'll keeping hating on all these terrible comics strips until the "very special" Family Circus where P.J. comes out of the closet.

Photo Call: Something's Fishy

2007-01-11T21:45:00.000-08:00

Necessity is the mother of invention. And it is so difficult to have to make that trip from the fishbowl to the toilet bowl to flush a recently deceased goldfish.

Wiretap: I Am theWorld Trade Center -- No Expectations

2007-01-11T21:32:00.000-08:00

We love the upbeat music of this unfortunately named synthpop duo. Here's a jauntily animated video from their album "The Cover Up."

"If you're looking for a good time, call me tonight." We're pretty sure we've slurred that phrase once or twice (perhaps during a drunk dialing episode we care not to remember further).

I Am the World Trade Center [Wikipedia]

Wiretap: Shooting Moz

2007-01-09T18:49:00.000-08:00

Art star and current New York magazine coverboy Ryan McGinley spent the last two years on the road with Morrissey, shooting the Mopey one and his legion of fans. Now you can see the results in his new show, Irregular Regulars, at Team Gallery.

We're huge fans of McGinley's artsy images, more of which you can see at his website.

Good Call: A Steaming Cup of Lynch

2007-01-09T17:15:00.000-08:00

David Lynch has been busy. Not only has he been touting his Oscar campaign for Laura Dern on the streets of Los Angeles, the idiosyncratic director has created his own blend of coffee.

According to Gothamist, which gave the brew a taste test, Lynch is selling his coffee to defray the cost of distributing his latest film Inland Empire:

“It’s like diner coffee,” says Lindenbaum, a 24 year-old MFA student at Brooklyn College, after his first sip. We are sitting in the very un-Lynchian Joyce Bakeshop; Lindenbaum has just been told he is drinking David Lynch Coffee. Much like the random questions that come to mind after a Lynch movie ends, it is seemingly unclear what the coffee really tastes like. Lindenbaum drinks some more. “No wait,” he says, “it’s good. It lacks the bitter bite of the Gorilla roast.” Subsequent sips reveal a full-bodied, calming cup. “Regular coffee is a weapon,” says Lindenbaum, considering the David Lynch brew, “and this is a real beverage.”

We're betting The David Lynch Signature Cup is a damn fine cup of coffee. Unfortunately, you'll have to supply your own slice of cherry pie.

The David Lynch Taste Test (and Cupcakes)[Gothamist]

David Lynch Signature Cup [site]

411: Spam Poetry-- Revered Freight Train

2007-01-09T17:11:00.000-08:00

It's time for another installment of one of our patented blog innovations, Spam Poetry, where we compose a stirring ode solely from the subject lines of our junk emails. This little ditty is called "Revered Freight Train." Why? The Muse of the spam folder didst ordain it.

Revered freight train
Frustrating bowling ball
Anything else you need

I can help u out

Partakers, they the remnant of the commandment

Were to pass, after the Lord miry clay, upon whom do not
Be turned and bring again then the eyes, may give unto her

Husband. And gold, From the law and I will?

With bauxite go power

For this was carried into the young people, shall be time,

Which is bundle

ye have also are all the Horites, the land also.

411: Klop Filtering Ashtray

2007-01-09T16:57:00.000-08:00

If that Surgeon General warning hasn't done much to deter you from smoking, maybe this will. French designer Grégoire Vandenbussche created an ashtray which demonstrates the adverse effects of cigarettes; as you smoke, the leaves of the plant catch the toxic fumes and slowly turn brown.

While our pack a day habit may certainly aid in the demise of said flora, we prefer to kill our plants like we kill our relationships: through sheer neglect.

Klop filtering ashtray [Popgadget]

Wiretap: Rhett Miller (w/ Jon Brion)

2007-01-09T16:52:00.000-08:00

We vote Rhett Miller the dreamiest frontman in rock. The eyes, the hair, the lips...ahh.

Here's a somewhat old clip of Mr. Miller taking a break from his day job with the Old 97's to sing a song off the first of his two solo albums.

Book Chat: Love and Sex

2007-01-05T09:10:00.000-08:00

Everyone's favorite rocker/queen of New Year's resolutions Courtney Love was recently on hand to present the top prize at the Literary Review’s annual Bad Sex in Fiction awards. A natural choice to our minds, given her copious sexcapades and the fact that she is a (ahem) published author.

Below is the offending excerpt from winner Iain Hollingshead's novel Twenty Something, in all it's lit-porny glory:

"She's wearing a short, floaty skirt that's more suited to July than February. She leans forward to peck me on the cheek, which feels weird, as she's never kissed me on the cheek before. We'd kissed properly the first time we met. And that was over three years ago. But the peck on the cheek turns into a quick peck on the lips. She hugs me tight. I can feel her breasts against her chest. I cup my hands round her face and start to kiss her properly, She slides one of her slender legs in between mine. Oh Jack, she was moaning now, her curves pushed up against me, her crotch taut against my bulging trousers, her hands gripping fistfuls of my hair. She reaches for my belt. I groan too, in expectation. And then I'm inside her, and everything is pure white as we're lost in a commotion of grunts and squeaks, flashing unconnected images and explosions of a million little particles."

You can find the other nominated passages here. Good thing you have that KY and box of Kleenex by your computer already, because with steamy turns of phrase like "she made a noise like a tortured Moomintroll" you'll need 'em.

Sex Doesn't Get Much Worse...[Reuters]

Wiretap: Clem Snide -- Beautiful

2007-01-05T08:55:00.000-08:00

We love nerds and we love nerdy band Clem Snide. Their cover of Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful," done without the requisite hipster irony, is indeed a thing of beauty.

Bonus: Lead singer Eef Barzelay's anecdote about drinking his own pee from a squirt gun.

DisConnected: The Mallard Fillmore Ellipsis Count

2007-01-04T14:09:00.000-08:00

We wish we could adequately do justice to how much we dislike right-wing comic strip Mallard Fillmore. Beyond the punny name, the thinly veiled homophobia, the shitty, sing-song rhymes, and the denigration of liberal politics, what really irks us is the egregious use of the ellipsis. Listen, we like those three little dots as much as the next guy (and we certainly have a penchant for parentheses and poor grammar) but come the fuck on!

And thus, we bring you the official Mallard Fillmore Ellipsis Count™:

From the January 2nd strip, the total is -- drumroll, please-- five. Five ellipses.

Check back as we periodically dissect this abuse of punctuation from one of the most irksome syndicated strips since Family Circus.

Good Call: Keith Ellison

2007-01-04T08:46:00.000-08:00

Congressman-elect from Minnesota, raised some right-wing ire by stating his desire to take the oath of office using the Koran rather than the Bible (which of course will be the end of democracy as we know it). Well, not only is he going to use the Koran, he's borrowing one from the Library of Congress that was owned by none other than Thomas Jefferson.

Well played, Ellison, well played.

Ellison to use Koran owned by Thomas Jefferson [WDBJ7 via Rachel Maddow]

411: More Than One Use For Spam

2007-01-04T08:42:00.000-08:00

Well, no doubt you loyal readers know what we do with our junk emails (What? You haven't been reading our Spam Poetry posts?) but according to Idolator, those subject lines are also great for inspiring band names.

Were so going to start our new band "Sent to Evil" right friggin' now.

Finally, A Use For The 854 Pieces Of Stock-Touting E-Mail We Get Every Day[Idolator]

Wiretap: The Mountain Goats -- Woke Up New

2007-01-04T08:34:00.000-08:00

The Mountain Goats latest album, "Get Lonely," has had a special place in our hearts (and iPods) for the last few months. We Particularly love this song, "Woke Up New" (in fact, hearing it is what made us purchase the album). If there's a better song about waking up and facing life the morning after your lover's just moved out, do let us know.

Bonus: The video was directed by Rian Johnson, who made the neo-noir movie Brick.

The Mountain Goats [site]

DisConnected: Pat Robertson Predicts Death and Destruction for U.S.

2007-01-03T13:49:00.000-08:00

Dude, we were totally going to make our predictions for the new year, but religious snake oil salesman Pat Robertson totally stole our thunder. Seems ol' Pat got another one of his patented telegrams from God, and this one foretells another attack on the United States. According to the soothsayer:

"I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear. The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that."

Our prediction: Britney stays drunk and slutty throughout '07. We feel kind of lame now.

Pat Robertson predicts 'mass killing' [Yahoo! News]

Photo Call: Baby New Year

2007-01-03T09:12:00.000-08:00

We'll take Jake Shears as the representation of the New Year over that big-eared kid from the Rudolph special anyday.

DisConnected: Shaye St. John Scares Us 24/7

2007-01-03T08:45:00.000-08:00

It was only a matter of time before Shaye St. John's disturbing, nightmarish videos migrated over to YouTube. They have such a disorienting, car crash appeal...you just can't look away. "Hello, again."

Wiretap: Morrissey's Mash Note

2007-01-03T08:24:00.000-08:00

Those kooky kids over at The Music Slut found this little missive, penned by a then 21 yr. old Morrissey, in which the musician talks about his love for cowboys (shades of Oscar Wilde, perhaps?), missing art and culture, and even managing to slight a New York institution (the Chelsea hotel) by calling it an "insignificant backdrop."

We have to agree with the Sluts about the smiley face. Who would have ever thought the King of Mope would sign a letter with such a cheery doodle?

Photo Call: It's Not a Verb We'd Use, But...

2007-01-03T08:15:00.000-08:00

This comes to us via Bedazzled. Apparently someone's computer had a case of the Gibsons. Does this mean we can now use "sugartits" when playing Scrabble? If so, it's so going to replace our go to slur, "fudgepacker," from now on.

411: The 86 Rules of Boozing

2007-01-02T13:53:00.000-08:00

Did you give up drinking as one of your New Year's resolutions? Well, that's admirable, but then you probably want to skip this post, where we sample a few of Modern Drunkard magazine's 86 Rules of Boozing (found via Dethroner). Some of our favorite points are listed below.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.
82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.

Read the full list here. Cin-Cin!

Recall: "Goddamit Girl, What are You Trying to Do to Me?"

2007-01-02T08:47:00.000-08:00

As you know, The Operator has a deep, abiding love 90's sketch comedy troupe The State, and all its varied cast members.

Here's a clip from Michael Showalter's film, The Baxter, where fellow State (and Stella) member David Wain unravels a hilarious yarn about dogs, Johnny Carson, and banana factories. If we were about to kill ourselves, we like to think we'd have a friend like Wain who'd rush in to save the day (and deliver an inexplicable rant).

DisConnected: Bob Morris Resolved To Be a Cranky Old Man

2007-01-02T08:24:00.000-08:00

We usually like Times columnist Bob Morris, even if the highbrow homo resides in a decidedly different social strata than The Operator. But when we read his snide column on New Year's resolutions, only one question came to mind: Who pissed in his Crème fraîche?

Morris is coming at us all swinging. To Wit:

"[I]the words of our commander in chief, I’m the decider, and I decide what’s best. In a self-serving spin on tradition, here are my New Year’s resolutions. For you.

Get off the computer and back into the recliner. Networks and cable television companies are spending millions a year devising entertainment with story structure and character development to keep your attention. They’re also devising clever new ways to spin 'reality.' Show them some respect. Leave the computer and get back to the TV where you belong."

No fan of the fact we were nominated Time magazine's Person of the Year, Morris wants us (and you) to "[G]ive up the blogging. All you emo teens, militant 12 steppers, sexual conquistadors and fetishistic foodies: enough with the unsolicited opinions and diaristic diarrhea. Remember that just because something happened to you doesn’t mean that it’s interesting. There are plenty of self-important professionals like me who are paid to have opinions and rarefied tantrums for the reading public. "

Maybe so, old man, maybe so. But if we don't blog, who's going to pick on all you "self-important professionals" who put on your cranky pants before typing out your column (on a manual typewriter, no doubt) every week?

Read the full article here.

Person To Person Call: The Operator's Resolutions

2007-01-02T00:01:00.000-08:00

Ah, a new year and with that, you can believe that we here at The Operator are nursing quite a hangover. What we did on New Year's Eve, we can't quite remember, but from the blurry pics on our camera phones it looks like we had a great time with a very effeminate young man... or was it a barely passable tranny... or maybe a very butch looking lesbian.

Anyway, once we regained consciousness and lamented about the unreadable tattoo on our ass, we resolved to never have another evening like December 31, 2006 again...or atleast for another year.

But that is not the only resolution we here at The Operator are resolving to do this year. Just like every well-intentioned American, we resolve to change things for the better in 2007.

Here is a list of a few of our resolutions:

1. We shall NOT post pictures of Britney's vagina (unless it is accommodating Justin Timberlake's dick once again)

2. We shall NOT mix xanax and vodka anymore (We have acquired a new signature drink- the P&V- Patron and Valium)

3. operatorLA will lose 15 lbs this year (our newest BFF, Nicole Ritchie, says it is oh so easy)

4. We will learn the last names of everyone we have sexual relations with this year!

5. We will continue to hate on Perez Hilton!

6. We will do our part to save the environment.

7. We will drive our SUV to the airport, hop an expensive gas guzzling flight to the arctic, don our seal fur coat and view the Polar Bears before they leave our planet forever.

Ah callers, we can just feel it in our alcohol saturated bones- 2007 is gonna be the Best Year Ever!

Good Call: Sock It To Me

2006-12-29T20:06:00.000-08:00

It's not often one has the pleasure of lending their likeness to a sock puppet, but that's the honor that was bestowed on OperatorNYC recently by fellow blogger Jane Gavin. Read the tale of our puppet understudy's adventures here (and enjoy the accompanying photos). It's a fitting tribute, seeing as Sock Op drinks, smokes, and passes out on subway trains.

Recall: The Operator Year in Review

2006-12-29T16:21:00.000-08:00

As another year draws to a close, another auld lang syne as 'twere, we thought we'd revisit, in no particular order, some of our favorite posts from '06. So, pour yourself a glass of bubbly and get a little nostalgic as you click through the madness. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll wonder why you've been reading this blog for so long.

We explored the danger of trickle down fashion trends, said adios to trans fats, and didn't get any closer to finding out why the caged bird sings. Our gay genes lusted after James McAvoy, Anderson Cooper, Bruno Schuind, and Michael Schwandt (among many, many others, le sigh).

While Fergie dominated the charts with her inspirational lyrics and divine talent, we took it upon ourselves to wonder whither Wild Orchid? We rocked out to Joan as Police Woman, the Scissor Sisters, Leslie and the Ly's, and Gregory Douglass, and we applauded the creation of a GLBT music label.

We doled out our expert advice to homophobes, closet cases, and the lesbianese, as well as offering tips on participating in a masturbate-a-thon.

We explored our artsy side with our new feature Spam Poetry and clawed our way to the C-list. We caught up with club kid-cum-killer Michael "doody pants" Alig, and gave a virtual rimjob to the performers who inspire us, like Jackie Beat, Mike Albo, Amy Sedaris, and of course, Kiki & Herb.

Naturally, we blogged about perennial favorites like monkeys, booze, bacon, bacon and booze, and hobos. Oh, and the apocalypse.

Since we want to leave on a high, we won't dwell on all the insipid things we disliked in '06. We will offer one example, though: NJ Guido. 'Nuff said.

That, dear reader(s), concludes our wholly biased tour of a year with The Operator. Guess all that hard work is why we were named Time's Person of the Year. It's a good thing we can multitask (i.e., drink and blog at the same time) or we wouldn't have gotten anything done.

If we believed in making New Year's resolutions, we'd resolve to to make our blogging in '07 bigger, better, funnier and more flagrant (and with less typos and grammatical errors). Since we don't, it's going to be the same drunken kerfuffle, a catch as catch can affair. In the immortal words of the Beverly Hillbillies, "Y'all come back now, y'hear ?"

411: Spam Poetry

2006-12-29T15:56:00.000-08:00

Once again, The Operator brings you a smidgen of poetic grandeur, cobbled together from the subject lines of spam from our email. By this point, we're pretty sure aliens are trying to communicate with us from the vastness of space. Tinfoil hats on!

Did you decide?
Wanna change ur habits?
Nor or later, up to you
How is life

that calculator
See?
Time is now
For Feldman my exegesis
be typhoon a washout
my roughcast it vantage
And rent by his own accord. Behold, publish and eat. Some of the word.

Or which,
In Mohammaden do velours
Her by Waffle
was a wastrel.

DisConnected: Holidays and Vodka

2006-12-21T01:13:00.000-08:00

well, dear callers the holidays are upon us and you may have noticed that throughout December our posts have settled down bit.

Well, we are taking some time to enjoy our holidays and imbibe in some vodka/xanax cocktails.

but fear not...

In the new year, we will be back and better than ever

We may also call in and post every once in awhile, so keep checking back.

Photo Call: Britney and Panties. Hey, It's a Start.

2006-12-20T20:39:00.000-08:00

Well, Ms. Spears seems to have gotten her laundry done. However, we don't necessarily need to know the color of her delicates. Maybe she's going to add to her wardrobe piece by piece? Here's hoping she gets to the burkha stage by, oh, mid-February.

[image source]

Person to Person: Person of the Year

2006-12-20T20:20:00.000-08:00

Hey, did you hear? We're Time's Person of the Year. And so are you. What the fuck, did the magazine get Oprah to choose the recipient? "And you get a Person of the Year. And you get a Person of the Year."

Well you know what, Time, thanks but no thanks. We don't need you to blow smoke up our ass. We know we're the shizz. Why just look at all the hits on our sitemeter. Look at our multitude of comments. Look at the all the money we make in ad revenue. Look at our ass being sued by by TMZ for copyright infringement. Look how we swayed the election single-handedly. Okay, well, none of the above actually applies to us. So we're a bit confused.

Sure, you love us now, (or the idea of us) but what about next year? Our fragile egos can't take being tossed aside like a wad of Kleenex. What have you really given us anyway? A shitty reflective cover? Listen, baby, how 'bout some cash money? A statue? Some sweet lovin'? Anything besides this dubious "honor" of being PotY. Hooray for us. We're kind of over it already.

For a more cogent rebuke of the Time choice, check out this article.

[Time]

Wiretap: Dick in a Box

2006-12-20T07:04:00.000-08:00

Fuck all those Kay Jewelers ads, every lady we know would much rather have a dick in a box for Christmas than a diamond tennis bracelet. And by lady, we of course mean all the busted tranny's we cavort with.

Wiretap: Morrissey

2006-12-19T08:27:00.000-08:00

We were going to post a video from Morrissey's latest album, but then we came across this old nugget, "We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful." And we kinda do. Here we are, blogging away in obscurity, drunk and...huh. That may be part of the problem. Sometimes, success is just finishing a 40 oz all by yourself.

Anyway, enjoy Moz singing our life with his words and rocking one of his patented shiny shirts.

Book Chat: The Junky's Christmas

2006-12-19T08:11:00.000-08:00

Ah Christmas, a time for eggnog, mistletoe, yule logs...and William S. Burroughs (okay, maybe only in our world). Sit back and let papa Burroughs spin his holiday yarn "The Junky's Christmas," about an addict fiending for a hit on Christmas day, in his inimitable drawl. Hey, it's got claymation, so it's almost like that effin' reindeer special. Besides, why do you think Rudolph's nose is so red? Two words: coke whore.

Parts 2 and 3 are after the jump.

Person to Person: Christmas with Nick Nolte

2006-12-18T09:20:00.000-08:00

Nick Nolte on holiday hangovers: "Best cure? More booze."

We pretty much second Nolte's opinion. His hair care tips however, we take with a grain of salt.

HO-HO-HOBAMA [Cindy Adams]

HOTline: Dan Stevens

2006-12-18T08:58:00.000-08:00

Being the shameless anglophiles we are, we were totally swept up in the BBC miniseries The Line of Beauty, and subsequently fell in love with lead actor Dan Stevens. Based on the Booker Prize-winning novel by Alan Hollinghurst, TLoB follows Nick Guest (Stevens) a young gay man swept up into the world of politics, power and privilege in 80's London. With the shadows of AIDS and Margaret Thatcher looming, Nick's attempts to find love and loyalty are met with mixed results, as he runs up against the issues of class, race and homophobia. Oh, and the sex scenes are hot.

A few more images from the series after the jump.

Wiretap: Teddy Thompson

2006-12-18T08:44:00.000-08:00

We've been giving Separate Ways, singer Teddy Thompson's 2005 album, another listen and have grown to really like it. Thompson is second generation folk rock royalty (the son of Linda and Richard Thompson) and a frequent guest on the albums of the Wainwright siblings. Recently, he turned out a great performance in the concert documentary Leonard Cohen: I'm Your Man.

Here's Thompson singing "I Should Get Up" on Conan.

411: Spam Poetry Redux

2006-12-14T13:44:00.000-08:00

Abram; the son of Thy soul: lothed their iniquity and olive trees and

forty and gold, and with of the midst of the Cretians are the

Cure for your penis problems.

Away and an hundred foreskins and oil; unto them, unto

a woman having spot.

The zeal second and he made up Moses, for for he came

his nutate as cyclist.

And ever: perished at her go forth

I have digged in the chief priests, and what is at the

hair; as by it: go unto her all the world according to the

Matter of fact.

How u doing?

911: Senate in Question?

2006-12-14T00:01:00.000-08:00

oh, we we weren't a little bit older and wiser we would totally scream conspiracy. It seems that the fragile majority held by the Democrats in the Senate may be in question after U.S. senator Tim Johnson of South Dakota suffered what may have been a stroke Wednesday.

Hey, it is entirely possible that those evil, evil Republicans are up to no good. I mean if Putin can poison a spy in front of the whole world, surely the GOP can orchestrate a "stroke." We can only hope that Clinton and Obama are employing taste-testers and major security.

In all seriousness though, we wish Johnson a speedy recovery.

411: Soy Fey

2006-12-13T09:07:00.000-08:00

The wacky (read: dangerously deranged) religious zealots have found a new boogeyman in their war on homosexuality...evil, evil soy. According to James Rutz on WorldNet Daily:

"Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That’s why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today’s rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products. (Most babies are bottle-fed during some part of their infancy, and one-fourth of them are getting soy milk!) Homosexuals often argue that their homosexuality is inborn because “I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t homosexual.” No, homosexuality is always deviant. But now many of them can truthfully say that they can’t remember a time when excess estrogen wasn’t influencing them."

See, these are the theories that people who don't believe in science concoct. We're pretty sure eating soy didn't make us gay, as we were raised on a diet of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and Swanson frozen dinners. Maybe it's not soy but all those wacky preservatives that made us crave same sex loving? We doubt it.

The article also included this postscript to the completely unfounded editorial :

"P.S.: Soy sauce is fine. Unlike soy milk, it's perfectly safe because it's fermented, which changes its molecular structure. Miso, natto and tempeh are also OK, but avoid tofu."

So watch out for all those crazy, liberal homo vegans and their tofu stir fry. If someone offers you tofu, just say no. Otherwise, it's a gateway to Pottery Barn catalogs, summers in Provincetown, and wild, hedonistic man-on-man debauchery.

Soy is making kids 'gay'[WorldNet Daily via The Slog]

Wiretap: Rufus Folks Around with French & Saunders

2006-12-13T08:32:00.000-08:00

'Tis the season, so when we came across this clip of Mr. Luther Wetwright, aka Rufus Wainwright, on a French & Saunders Christmas special, we knew we had to post it. Don we now our really gay apparel.

Person To Person: Ana Gasteyer

2006-12-13T01:10:00.000-08:00

How we pine away for the days when SNL was a good show.

Back in the day one of operatorLA's favorite performers was Ana Gasteyer. Quirky, hilarious, multi-dimensional and a great compatriot to Maya Rudolf. Well, those days are gone but Ana Gasteyer has not disappeared. She is appearing in Broadway's Wicked and looking for a gay benefactor.

Atleast that is what she said in this interview with OUT magazine.

If we had money, we woudl be drunk constantly with a never ending supply of xanax. And if we had more money, we would give some to Ms. Gasteyer.

Wiretap: Marc Almond

2006-12-11T23:13:00.000-08:00

Here's Marc Almond singing his fantastic cover of Jacques Brel's "Jacky." We often wish that, if for only an hour, we could be cute in a stupid ass way.

Also, if anyone's planning a biopic of Almond, sign up Alan Cumming. We could totally see it.