Open Call: Assistant to Naomi Campbell

A position as Naomi Campbell's personal assistant has recently opened up and Ms. Campbell will be accepting resumes for this position. The ideal candidate should have a college degree, possess superior office skills and know how to use Word, Excel, Outlook and Photoshop. A background in Public Relations and Fashion would be preferred. Interested parties should also have experience in martial arts and be certified in three different types of self-defense. Qualified candidates should be creative and know how to make everyday items into a weapon. Interested parties who can defend themselves against mobile phones or a Jimmy Choo move to the front of the line.

Potential assistants should have extensive contacts in the Chemical and Pharmaceutical industries. They should be able to keep private details confidential and be available to Ms. Campbell 24 hours a day. A valid passport is needed and travel is necessary with this position.

Job candidates should have some training in dealing with mental illness and delusion. But most importantly, Ms. Campbell's assistant should not speak in loud tones, ever use the word "no" and never, ever, use fast movements or taunt Ms. Campbell while she is feeding.