DirectCall: Ask The Operator

**from time to time, we here at the offices of THE OPERATOR receive some letters asking us our advice. Always one to lend a helping hand, THE OPERATOR will answer these questions in an effort to make the world a better place.**

Dear Operator:

I live in a small town about 50 miles north of Chicago called Crystal Lake. It is a very quiet community, peaceful and loving and we like to think of it as just another all American town. However, our little community has recently been besieged with debate and national media attention.

It seems that some event called the Gay Games wishes to use our lake for their rowing competition. At first I didn't see what the hullabaloo was all about. I thought the Gay Games was just a catchy name for some happy athletic events, kinda like Field Day was when we were back in grade school. Then I learned the truth. The Gay Games is actually a Homosexual Olympic type competition series. Well, once I heard that shocking bit of information my opinion changed dramatically.

The truth is I really don't care if someone chooses to be of the homosexual persuasion. I actually like some homosexuals like Nate Berkus from Oprah or that Jack fellow from Will and Grace- he's so funny. But to have them come into my town and flaunt it for everyone to see is another story all together.

My question is this: If we do allow the Gay Games to use our lake for their rowing competition, will my child catch "the gay" if I ever let them swim in the lake again? I am really concerned. Please help me!

Barely Intelligent Girl On The Lake

Dear BIGOTL:

The Operator understands your concern and wants to put your fears to rest. Don't worry about your child "catching the gay" as you said. That idea is totally absurd. One can not catch "the gay" anymore than one could become black by swimming in the same pool as an African American. So fear not, homosexuality is not a disease that is communicable. Everyone knows that they recruit to get their new members. That is what is called the Gay Agenda!

So let them row to their gay heart's content. Just make sure you don't talk to them while they are there. The Gays are known for being subversive and sneaky and they might entrap you or your children in their lifestyle before you can even say "Pat Robertson."