Ask The Operator: Why Does Everyone Think I am Gay?

**from time to time, we here at the offices of THE OPERATOR receive some letters asking us our advice. Always one to lend a helping hand, THE OPERATOR will answer these questions in an effort to make the world a better place.**

Dear The Operator,

I am the leader of, how shall I put this, a family Values Coalition. We work tirelessly to promote our agenda and show America that homosexuals are depraved human beings who lack a certain moral fiber that is essential to our democracy. In the past I have led protests of homosexual gatherings and have even gone undercover to attend certain gay events like S & M leather balls and circuit parties.

I have also attended Pride Parades, Porn Viewings and will soon be at the Gay Games in Chicago. I attend these places and events to protest the gay agenda and show my disapproval for this queer lifestyle. I am especially excited about a planned protest that will be happening at the same time as the Gay Games.

I have planned to go to Steamworks (a gay bathhouse where men meet to have sex with other men) and protest there. This insidious institution is a sponsor of the Gay Games and I want to show my disdain for both organizations.

My problem , The Operator, is this- it seems with all of my covert work and my deep cover into these homosexual establishments, many people are beginning to question my intentions. It seems I have built up a "gay buzz" if you will. People are starting to think that I like these events a bit too much, which is totally not the case.

How can I prove to the detractors that I am not gay and that I don't enjoy being at the seedy gay places?

Signed
Porno Pete

Dear Porno Pete,

The Operator completely understands your dilemma. It wasn't too long ago that The Operator was hanging out with some new friends who liked to chill in Sports bars and Strip clubs. He was only doing it because he thought it would be a great way to promote the gay agenda and win more breeders to his side. But after weeks of eating chicken wings and drinking watered-down drinks while a naked women danced in his lap, The Operator was getting a reputation for being as straight as they come. He abruptly had to put an end to these activities to save face- which is sad because strip clubs have great happy hour buffets.

Anyway, just because you go to S&M leather balls, circuit parties, Pride Parades, Porn Palaces, Gay Games and Bathhouses, people shouldn't assume that you like being there or that you are gay. You have work to do and you must take your message to the people. It just so happens that "the people" are young, gorgeous, hard bodied, naked homosexuals who are having sex with one another. So be it. If you have to get in amongst them to spread your message- So be it. When in a Roman Bathhouse, do as the Romans do.

My only word of advice is: wear flip-flops(you never know what is on those floors). Oh, and for the record, The Operator has never been to a circuit party, leather ball, or the Gay Games- but you have. We are just sayin.