Ask the Operator: Where Can I find a Bar in Hell's Kitchen?

**from time to time, we here at the offices of THE OPERATOR receive some letters asking us our advice. Always one to lend a helping hand, THE OPERATOR will answer these questions in an effort to make the world a better place.**

Dear The Operator:

I'm going to be in New York for the first time in a years to see some shows on Broadway. I want to get a drink with my partner après-theatre, but not amongst the touristy throng. I remember the last time I went to 9th Avenue, it was all hustler bars. Are there any new bars in Hell's Kitchen to get a cocktail, as opposed to say, a venereal disease?

Sincerely,
Upscale Gay

Well, UG, when it comes to drinking advice, you've come to the right place. We looove the drink. Drink all da time. But since the only time we put on pants to leave the house is when we have to venture to the liquor store and buy a new bottle of vodka, we're going to turn this one over to our resident online nightlife columnist, e-Gadfly.

Wha huh wha, where have you been? Back in your day, you may have had to knock on the unmarked door and said the secret password, "Judy Garland's high at midnight" or something, but this is the 21st century. Hell's Kitchen is the new Chelsea. It's Hellsea. It's a non-stop buffet of chorus boys and gym clones. It's like walking into an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog. It's Fag-ercrombie (and bitch, believe moi). It's gayapalooza. New bars are sprouting up here like genital warts. There's Therapy, Bamboo, Vlada, Schmata, Regatta. There's the Ritz, Schlitz, and Ion'k', which I think is Ukrainian for "fisting" or something. Anyway, point is, there's bars. Well, lounges. Bars are so passe, don't you think? Anyone can walk into a "bar," these are lounges. Locales. Destination drinking. Oh, and don't worry about cocktails. They have cocktails: Guavatini, Chocotini, Garlictini, Avocadotini, Cocktail weenie-tini, Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini-Tini. All served by shirtless waiters who are really actors, but don't ask them about it because they'll give you their resume and sing something from Wicked. Though, try to dress young. They chased out all the old homos with the hookers. Wear an ironic t-shirt. Wear skinny jeans. Dress like the guys that used to beat you up in high school. And don't, don't talk to anyone. Just look. Just sit still and look. Don't engage.

But which night are you going? You have to plan it out. You can't just show up. They all program nights. Bingo Night, Drag night, Disco Night, American Idol Night, Hazing Night, even Hustler Night. Try Straight Night. There's Day Night, where they turn the lights on really bright and pretend it's like, daytime. So, pick right night. You can even probably DJ. Bring you iPod. There's iPod night. Stop by the wi-fi enabled, laptop lapdance cruising station. It's delish. You can have a virtual sex chat with someone two scant feet away. It's divine.

FYI, Hell's Kitchen, sorry Hellsea, is so over. I'd never be caught dead there. You want to new Hell's kitchen. You should try Washington Heights. Or Morningside Heights. Or White Plains. Yonkers is the new Hell's Kitchen is the new Chelsea is the new West Village. But you didn't hear it from me.

Better yet, invite everyone back to your hotel and raid the minibar. Or try the Port Authority.

We'll, ta darling. I have to go get a mani-pedi and backwax at this exclusive, high-end salon and fruit stand in the Bronx.

Hope this helps. Do let me know how it turns out. Though I don't really care.